Fun fact: Mr. Oliver can trace his half ancestry back to Scotland, thanks to his Mom. On his Dad's side the DNA is French and German (we don't know what I am, but I might get one of those ethnicity tests one day to find out.)
I was looking up some Scottish jokes the other day to send to Oliver's Mom, and found these:
A shifty-looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub.
He orders a pint, and very very carefully puts down the duffle bag he is carrying.
The bartender asks, "What's that?"
The guy leans forward, and in a whisper says, "6 pounds of explosives."
"Thank Christ for that," says the bartender, looking relieved now. "I thought it might be bagpipes."
A Scottish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your holidays, son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son demands.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shrieks. “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and yells at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted. They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."
The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune."
The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."
The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir."
The Scotsman says quickly, "I'd like to be shot now."
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