Skip to main content

A Wee Bit of Humor

Fun fact: Mr. Oliver can trace his half ancestry back to Scotland, thanks to his Mom. On his Dad's side the DNA is French and German (we don't know what I am, but I might get one of those ethnicity tests one day to find out.)

I was looking up some Scottish jokes the other day to send to Oliver's Mom, and found these:

What's That

A shifty-looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub.

He orders a pint, and very very carefully puts down the duffle bag he is carrying.

The bartender asks, "What's that?"

The guy leans forward, and in a whisper says, "6 pounds of explosives."

"Thank Christ for that," says the bartender, looking relieved now. "I thought it might be bagpipes."

Sorted

A Scottish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your holidays, son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son demands.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shrieks. “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and yells at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted. They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Me First

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune."

The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir."

The Scotsman says quickly, "I'd like to be shot now."

Labels:

Comments

nightsmusic said…
My mother was pure Scot. I have a million of those jokes and a lot of wonderful memories. Oliver is a special boy!
March 24, 2020 at 8:03 AM
Maria Zannini said…
Look at those bright blue eyes. He seems to be a very happy baby.
March 24, 2020 at 2:32 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Downsizing

This was my fabric stash once I sorted everything -- 22 full bins. I spent a day taking out and boxing up what I could part with, with the goal of trying to reduce it by half, so I'd have 11 bins. I was very strict with myself, and removed everything that for one reason or another I was sure I wouldn't be able to use. This is what I ended up with -- 12 bins of fabric that I'm keeping. It's not quite half, but close enough. Half of what I took out went to a local quilter friend, a school and Goodwill. These four tightly-packed bins will be going to the local quilting guild once I make arrangements with them for a drop-off place. I am relieved and a little sad and now determined to control my impulses to thrift more fabric. I don't want to do this again, so until I use up six bins, I can't for any reason bring any new fabric into the house.
Post a Comment
Read more

In Progress

I promised myself I would show you the good, bad and ugly of my cleaning this year. This is what it looks like when you dump thirty years' worth of stashed fabric on the floor -- and oy, what a pain in the butt to pick up again! This is what it looks like after it's been sorted, folded and placed in containers, which took me about a week. Now the hard part is to downsize my stash by at least half, I think (that's my goal, anyway.) I've already e-mailed the president of the local quilting guild, a local friend who is a quilter, and a public school art teacher I know to see if I can donate some of the excess to them. The rest will go to Goodwill. Already I've reduced my vintage textiles from two bins to one, and my scraps from three bins to one. It's probably the hardest clean-out I've done, which is why I saved it until last. I know I have too much fabric, more than I can use in my lifetime -- but at the same time, I love it. So I have to
Post a Comment
Read more

Other Stashes

Along with clearing out the spare bedroom and tidying my office and our guest bedroom, I decided to reorganize some of my stashes. This is all the yarn I have on hand, sorted by color. It looks like a lot, but lately I've been using up a minimum of half a bin every month, so this is approximately a year's supply. All of my solid color cotton perle thread. I go through a lot of this every year, too. I need a container in which I can fit all of it together, but I haven't found the right one yet. I won't show you all of my fabric -- I'm still reorganizing this stash -- but I went through everything and donated two bins of fabric I won't need to the local quilter's guild.
Post a Comment
Read more