Valerean

I've been doing okay this year, Mom. My grief only comes up now and then when something reminds me of you. It's settled down into sorrow instead of pain. I try to remember you with love, always. I think you would be proud of me for finding ways to be happy. You always told me that's what we have to do. Still miss you, and love you.

My camera doesn't like to photograph blue or purple quilts in the sewing room, so these colors aren't true, but I did finish the little crazy patchwork quilt I made from some blocks my mom gave me that I found in the gifted UFOs bin. After I hand quilted it, I decided to slay two dragons by using up some extra-wide premade purple binding I had on hand, and machine-stitching both sides of the binding rather than one by machine and one by hand, as I usually do. I've never tried to do that, but I need to start using the sewing machine more as my hands are slowing down. I was nervous, and I made some mistakes, but I did okay with it. I can finish a project a little faster this way, too. I considered adding some embroidery to the quilt, but the colors are so crazy it just would have added visual confusion. So in the end I just quilting-stitched everything. This is a better pic of the colors of the quilt. I'm going to leave it on display through Mother's...

Happy Birthday, Mom. Miss you.

Mom died a year ago today. So many people have died over the last two years I feel almost selfish thinking about my own loss, and I prefer to celebrate birthdays of those I've lost rather than the day they passed away. Still, it's always in the back of my mind when the calendar rolls around to that particular date. Because I knew it was coming at me I pressed ahead with getting the linen quilt ready for stitching so I'd have something to work on while coping with the reminder. I feel a little depressed, mostly, but also calm and accepting. Emotionally I had a much harder time dealing with losing my dad. My mother's death released from any more financial obligation to that side of the family, and cut the last tie we had, so in many ways it was a huge relief to be done with them. Since Mom passed I've also had to send Kat off to start her adult life, so in a way it reminds me to be a better mother to my daughter while I can. I've done okay, I think, b...

The much-needed cold snap was a bit colder than we expected, and although we covered up our two little citrus trees they took a bit of a hit from the hard freeze. Here's Mom's tree. It may have killed Dad's orange tree, which is sad, but we'll plant another one if it dies. On a happier note, we are finally harvesting the fruit now (technically the only orange, on the right, fell off the tree, but we don't care.) Since my guy has been doing most of the gardening work I let him have the first grapefruit we picked. It's so cool to be able to walk out and grab my breakfast off the tree. The rinds are on the thick side, and they're very seedy, but they taste delicious -- not too bitter, not too sweet -- just like the grapefruit I had as a kid. Thanks, Mom.

I keep writing this over and over and I still come back to the same start: There are a half-dozen grapefruit on your memorial tree right now, Mom. We'll probably have them for New Year's Eve. I think if you knew you would love that. It's been seven months since you died, and it still doesn't feel quite real to me. I keep thinking of things I want to make for you: a pair of crocheted slippers to keep your feet warm, a pretty lap quilt, a wall hanging full of flowers that will never die. I have things here that I did make for you but finished too late to send, and I don't know what to do with them now. The other day I was at the store and saw an outfit in your favorite color and thought, "Mom would love that" before I remembered you aren't here to wear the clothes I buy for you any more. It's not denial, exactly, it's more like I keep forgetting that you are beyond me. I'll try to be happy today. It's the day you were born...

My mother died last night. She was 84, and suffered from dementia, diabetes and heart problems. I don't know all the details, but we were told that she passed away peacefully. My brother called with the news, but I can't hear anyone on the phone, so he relayed it through my guy. She had a difficult life from almost the beginning, being born a few years after the Great Depression and living in poverty in the country. An only child, she often took care of her father while her mother worked. She was very close to her dad, a police constable who became an invalid during her childhood. I remember my grandfather, who was always bed-ridden, being funny and kind even when he was in pain. Mom was the same way. Mom was devoted to her faith. She didn't just go to church; she did a lot of good work through it, including feeding the homeless, teaching Bible school, and looking in on the elderly and ill. She worked as a secretary for three ministers, too. She joined the Civ...