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Ten Writerly Things

Ten Things I Would Change About the Writing Life

Anthology Asses: I'd like to revamp the whole anthology system, but to start I'd have any editor of them sign a contract promising not to make ignorant or unkind personal remarks about a writer whom they earlier begged to contribute something. Said writer almost always finds out. I did, and that's why I never again accepted an antho invite.

Books to Cons ratio: For every conference a writer attends, they should first write two stories (okay, I used to say novels, but with all the stress on writers these days that seems a little mean. So two short stories will suffice.)

Disperse the Herd: After 20+ years of watching all the harm they've done, careers they've destroyed and general havoc they've created, I believe all writer organizations without exception should be disbanded and made illegal. Also, anyone thinking of start a new one should be sentenced to helping kids with their English homework, preferably in a public school in an economically depressed urban area.

Excuse Forbidden: When an individual does something vicious and pointless to a writer in public, they are not allowed to later ask the writer for something and plead mental problems or blame medication as the reason for their earlier bad behavior. Just own your ugliness, dude.

Hands Off: Writers will not ripoff other writers to produce work they then call their own. I don't care if it's not technically plagiarism. This includes every word ever written by Jane Austen, the Brothers Grimm and Shakespeare.

Name/Series/Title Screenings: Sometimes we're just too close to the work to notice things that ultimately will make us into a joke. So before publishing anything under a snazzy pseudonym that actually means wart, title that means an illegal sex act while drugged, series name that was a bad high school PA joke, etc. we should submit that to an unbiased committee to determine its ability to make us a laughingstock among our peers.

No Comparisons: I get a twitch in my eye every time I see the words "In the tradition of [famous writer]" or "If you love [famous writer]" being used by a writer to compare their (usually less famous) work to someone else's. Be yourself and stand on your own merits.

Sorry Not Sorry: Writers should never again have to apologize for writing, for any reason whatsoever, to anyone, for the remainder of eternity.

Stop Waving the MFA: I don't think writers who go to college are automatically better than writers who don't, so shoving that degree in my face is meaningless. Also, it makes everyone (like me) who was unable to afford college feel bad. Disclaimer: Most of the writers I like are self-taught and/or never went to college for writing, and two of the worst writers I've ever read currently teach at university.

Zip It: Writers should stop talking about writing long enough to write at least once a week. Seriously. Just write for one day. Then you can talk about it for the next six.

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Comments

nightsmusic said…
I agree with all of these. I do. Even though I can't quite relate to the first one, I think I can with the rest. But even the first one is just -- I don't get people. I really don't. Why invite anyone to participate in anything and then badmouth them when they do? Sport? An attempt to make themselves feel better? I don't know. But it's stupid.
November 22, 2019 at 9:02 AM
the author said…
I think the fact that I was a romance writer (and not ashamed of it) might have been the motive behind the bad-mouthing. I'm really not sure, but I did hear about it, and I've never forgotten it. That particular editor came back to me years later hat in hand to ask to buy the production rights of that story I wrote for that antho, which he neglected to include in our original contract. Guess what my answer was? Ha.
November 22, 2019 at 9:48 AM
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