The title of this post and the embroidery on this mini quilt I made last year are the same: jasin-eul salanghaseo. It's a Korean phrase that has very deep meaning for me. It came to me during a terrible time as a gentle wake-up call, and became a motto for this time in my life. It empowered me like no one and nothing else in my life has.
What does it mean? The literal translation in English if you google it is "I love you" but the actual meaning is "love yourself."
In the past I have always attracted people who do not actually care for me. They have told me they do care so they could use me, abuse me, swindle me out of money and otherwise gratify themselves at my expense. I'm not sure why they behave that way, but that was my heaviest burden. I have done my part by being naive, believing what they told me, hoping it would get better, and even thinking at times that I deserved to be treated that way. I had no one to protect me.
Much of this is because I was raised by an extremely religious woman who taught me to be of service to others. She expected me to cater to anyone who asked something of me (apparently as penance for my very existence.) This is a terrible way to raise a child, by the way, but I survived it by holding onto and working toward my dream. I also got my dream after two and a half decades of working hard for it, and became quite successful for someone with basically no education, no connections and no working knowledge of my industry.
I've always been good at what I do. I suffered for that, especially at the hands of some colleagues unwilling to do the same work I did, or that couldn't believe someone like me could achieve what I did. While trying to be part of their community, I helped them and tried to be a good sport about the nastiness I got in return. No one protected me, so they used and attacked me.
I'm a strong person, but I'm not a robot, and sometimes the miseries of my life overwhelm me. My journey toward loving myself began during the pandemic. Misery was rampant that particular year. After I lost both of my dogs to old age in a few months, and broke off my relationship with family members who stole money I had put in an account for my mother, someone else I loved became so abusive I couldn't take it anymore, and I had to end that relationship. After those five consecutive heartbreaks I simply didn't have the emotional wherewithal to be supportive in any fashion to the other people still in my life. Then my mother suddenly passed away.
Instead of offering me a shred of comfort, or even telling me how Mom had died, one of my siblings demanded from me money for her funeral, which I knew Mom had already pre-paid because I gave her the money for it. No one knew that but me.
That was a defining moment when I saw the rest of my life in a snapshot: family, friends and colleagues hating me, screeching for what they wanted from me and not caring a jot about what I was going through or how badly I felt. That was how it had always been, but I'd clung to the hope that someday it would get better. Now I saw there was no hope of that happening, ever.
I sent my sibling the money they wanted and didn't even get a thank you. Nor was I invited to the funeral that I paid for twice (assuming they even had one.) I knew I was never considered part of the family, but after swindling me yet again this sibling and probably the others made sure I got that message.
I can't tell you how upset I was over this. There simply aren't words. Meanwhile, everyone else in my life kept demanding my emotional and/or financial support while offering me nothing in my time of need.
Why did I let myself deliberately be swindled yet again by a family member, you may ask? As a final act of generosity and Zen revenge. This is how I settle accounts, by being generous to someone who doesn't deserve it. Return good for evil.
I also ended my relationship with that sibling as soon as I sent the check, and I will never have any contact with them again. Over the next five years I also ended my relationships with other people who were for various reasons toxic to me. It was a very depressing time, as I had been in some of those relationships for decades. I am very shy, and doubt myself a lot, so at that time I was constantly second-guessing myself. I was fearful, too, even as I shed these relationships. I was going to end up miserable and alone, because no matter how bad they are, some friends and family are better than none, right?
Wrong. What happened was a miracle, because once I ended those relationships I discovered something wholly unexpected: my life became calm. Peace, joy, and a sense of safety filled my days. I no longer had any emotional stress inflicted by the horrible behavior I was exposed to because I eliminated the people who subjected me to it. I wasn't lonely, either. The few friends I kept were enough.
That was five years ago. I have lived in that calm all this time, and it has changed my life for the better. Now I will not sacrifice the peace I fought so hard to attain, either. Despite making it clear to everyone I removed from my life that I no longer want any contact with them, someone tried to get to me again via my social media account. Because of that incident I've shut down and deleted the account. I am exploring alternatives, but I'm not sure I want to get my hopes up. I know I attract bullies and the hateful, but the difference now is that I know what my life is like without them. I'm not going to give up my calm just because they want to hurt me again.
I'm going to close comments on all my Blogger accounts so I can keep from having to shut down my blogs if that someone wants to try something here. For the time being this is just to protect myself, so I hope you understand. If you don't, then maybe you should ask yourself why.
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