My last batch of blood tests came in, and my blood sugar and cholesterol numbers have improved. In a few days I go in to have the precancerous spots on my face removed. The really good news is that the plaque blockages in my carotid arteries have reduced from 40-50% to 20-30%, which I'll attribute to lowering my cholesterol and sticking to the strict diet. I've been trying to see my health as a self-improvement project, even though I know at this stage of the game it's more like being on the Titanic.
I never asked to be a passenger on this tub, but I am anyway. I know where I'm headed, and I can't get off the boat unless I want to reach my final destination earlier than the universe planned. This enormous, beautiful, horrible boat of my life, which has carried me along for all these years, will hit some random iceberg and sink. I can't escape it, avoid it, or bargain my way out of it. I can't fix the boat and keep it from happening. No one can save me. I will be going into that dark, cold water. That's how my life ends.
I don't want to depress you, but that's how everyone's life ends.
I always wondered why the band played on while the Titanic was sinking. When I was young I thought those guys were crazy to do that. Why didn't they try to get into a lifeboat? Why didn't they fight to live? But I think I understand them a little better now. Maybe they knew they were going into the water no matter what they tried, and they decided to spend what time they had left doing what they loved.
When my Titanic hits that iceberg I want to be with the band. I hope I'll be writing in a journal or typing up the next scene in my latest novel. Maybe I'll be quilting or embroidering something. But I'd like to be doing something I love, surrounded by people who are doing the same.
That isn't the best way to die. It's the best way to live.
2 comments:
My goal after many, many years on this earth is to fall asleep and have my boat land softly on some paradise island where I disembark into another realm. That's my goal.
What will probably happen is that I'll trip over the dog. He'll then proceed to crack my ribs as he pounces on me to wake me up, meanwhile I slip into a cerebral hemorrhage and die. I'll still end up in the other realm, but not quite so elegantly. :o)
My mother just...died. Quickly and without fanfare. She had a heart attack which we didn't realize was one because the symptoms for a woman are much different than for a man. About eighteen hours from beginning to end. My father also had a heart attack. He lingered for three weeks in hospice care. While I am not my mother's daughter, I don't want to linger. I hope when my time comes, I close my eyes and that's that. I'm probably going to end up like Maria.
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