For various reasons I've been very depressed over the last year, and more so than I've let on. I know I'm not the only one who has struggled with fear and despair since the pandemic began. I've tried to keep a good attitude and do what I can for my friends and family. Depression grinds you down, though; too often I've had to drag myself out of bed and function on auto-pilot.
I'm having a lot of health issues now. I expect I'll soon be completely deaf. My hands are a mess; my fingers are twisting and I'm developing more bone spurs on the joints that are very painful. The arthritis in my neck has been spreading down my back. Last month I had to go on steroids to reduce the inflammation in my lumbar spine, but I can't take them for long. Steroids elevate my blood sugar and threaten to bring back my diabetes.
Pain from the arthritis is making it hard to sleep. I refuse to take prescription painkillers -- I don't need to develop an addiction on top of everything else -- and the OTC options will either aggravate my ulcer or cause me to have a stroke, thanks to my clogged arteries. In a couple of weeks I'm having another carotid doppler and I'm not expecting good news. The back problem is also causing some periodic numbness and instability in my legs.
I've been to the doctor, and I'm doing what I can with diet, exercise and heat/cold therapy. I still feel like I'm falling apart.
I've been in a personal situation where someone I love has been increasingly abusive toward me for the last ten years. I finally realized there is nothing I can do that will ever resolve the situation amicably; I know because I have tried everything I can think of to do so. Since continuing to tolerate the situation is pointless, and very harmful to me, I decided to cut off all contact with the person responsible. That's all I want to say about that, but it's been extremely upsetting.
Shortly after that we lost both of our dogs, and I had to hold them as they died. Christmas, which I've never liked, was too much on top of everything else. Politics, the endless spewing of hatred online, and seeing the horrible way people talk to and treat each other have made me heart sick. There have been other situations that I can't talk about that added more to my depression. With all of the above on me, it went from very bad to overwhelming.
I always say in the worst of times to be valiant, and I do try to practice that. Yet the cost of being valiant is much higher in old age. Last year I felt I was being slowly buried alive by all of my challenges and health issues and the ugliness of the world. Most days I still do. I'm so tired.
The only thing that truly helps me hold it together is being alone and writing. Solitude takes the pressure of dealing with others off me. My work is the one thing no one has ever been able to take from me or ruin. So when I got to the point of not wanting to go on, I just unplugged and shut everyone out and wrote the worlds I wanted to live in, with characters I wanted to be with and problems I could solve. Over the last six weeks that gradually brought me to a better mental state.
No matter how tough it gets I still want to live. Life will always be precious to me. Living is the only way to show respect for everyone who couldn't, including my dad. Maybe I feel that way because I was raised as a Catholic, or I saw too many people die when I was working in the medical field. Maybe it's my way of spitting in Fate's eye.
While I've been gone I've thought a lot about what I should do with the rest of my time on the planet. I've spent most of my life taking care of others, so I believe it's my turn. The person I most need to love and care for now is me. I've never done that, really, so I'm working on it.
I will keep trying to be valiant, choose light over darkness, and when it gets too tough, escape into my writing. I have this blog, and the friends who care about me. I can still quilt and dream and read and write. I believe that's enough to get me through this. I'm sorry I've made you worry about me.
Let me share some happier updates:
I finished the purple quilt this month. It came out pretty.
My guy, Kat and I have all had our first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. Our arms were sore, and we all felt a little tired for two days after, and but otherwise we had no bad reactions to it.
The garden is still producing two pints of strawberries every week. I've been freezing them so I can make homemade strawberry ice cream this summer.
Thank you all for caring about me. Please keep that up if you can.
Comments
I have nerve damage in my lower back. It took me YEARS of stupid drugs and rehab and nothing worked. It only got worse to the point I couldn't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. For what it's worth, yoga turned me around. It took 6 months to ease the pain, but at least now I can sleep again.
As for your abusive person. My God, woman. You're a saint! I would never have been that charitable. As you are learning now, I learned it a few years ago. You can't fix stupid or mean. Drop the toxic people in your life and focus on yourself.
You are definitely on the right track there.
re: deafness
Don't be angry, but I sometimes wish I were a little deaf. For some reason I have particularly keen hearing, but it's a bane to me because hubby is the one who's deaf. I don't like noise.
When I trained my puppies, I always added signals to the commands, so that I never had to speak to make them do as they're told. Greg and I have kind of developed that system too. Rather than repeat what I've said or speak louder, I've resorted to a cross between mime and sign language. It probably looks hilarious to outsiders but it works for us.
Despite everything you've endured, it sounds like you've made good choices to get things back on track. Stick to your mantra of being good to yourself. Dump the freeloaders and take back your life.
Welcome back to the world.