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Losing It

I knew when I was diagnosed with arthritis at 28 that the time I had to use my hands was limited. I had already given up a lot of dreams because of my condition. After two surgeries rendered my dominant hand basically useless all I had left was one. I lost painting, knitting and a lot of other abilities. Thirty years after that I made do with one hand (and got pretty good at it, frankly) arthritis invaded my working hand, ultimately leaving me with three fingers I could use. I was cheerful about it. Three fingers are better than none.

I got thirty-five years of limited use out of my hands, and I am grateful. Most people with my condition aren't that lucky. I think sewing, quilting and my other creative endeavors have helped me hang onto as much use of my working hand as I could.

Now the painful truth is I've finally run out of time, and I'm rapidly losing what use I have left. My fingers are stiff as little boards, the joints swollen and painful. Gripping anything hurts like I'm being burned. My two non-working fingers are twisting and flaring with so much pain I haven't been able to move them for many days. That will likely become permanent in the not too distant future. My left/useless hand is now actually stronger than my right working hand.

I won't let this stop me from doing the things I love, of course. I just have to learn to do them differently. Crochet seems to be the easiest thing for me; I can hang onto the hook fairly well. I can still quilt, although I'm much slower and must rely on the sewing machine more. I can see a time not too far off, however, where almost everything I enjoy doing creatively will be impossible for me to continue.

I'm not bitter or disappointed. I think the reason I've made so many things during my life is because I was mentally preparing for the time ahead when I won't be able to. That's fine; I always knew I'd end up here. Also, I was supposed to be completely crippled by the time I was 40, and instead I got an extra 23 years to function beyond that diagnosis. I'm lucky, and I know it.

Hand images generated by Hotpot AI, which seems to have problems of its own with fingers. Oh, well.

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