Yesterday I had to face yet another emotionally difficult situation. I don't want to get into details, but it involved unsolicited contact from a person who has been basically bullying me for about twenty years, and still won't leave me alone. When this happens I always feel compelled to respond and try to defuse the situation, but this time I stopped myself.
People like this always seek me out, never the reverse, but I've never given much thought as to why they do.
To deal with bullies I always first think of how I might best placate them and get out of their crosshairs. I want to change that knee-jerk reaction, so instead this time I just thought about it for a while. Why am I so afraid of these people? Is the way I usually react making me into a magnet for bullies? That was how I finally made some connections.
The root of my problem is my older sister's constant bullying when I was a kid. I dealt with it by giving her whatever she wanted and otherwise avoiding her as much as possible. I never confronted her or asked for help from an adult because I was more afraid of what she would do to me if I did. After the last time she tried to bully me as an adult I ended my relationship with her (still one of the best things I ever did for myself.) I could finally breathe. Still, it seems that I haven't unlearned that response. I think every time I face a bullying situation I'm subconsciously still trying to keep my sister from terrorizing me.
I can't really describe how distressing it is for me to deal with bullies, either. When they come at me I freeze. I have anxiety attacks, sometimes bad ones. I can't sleep. I fall back into depression. I constantly imagine all sorts of horrible backlash, humiliation and pain at the hands of the bully. I remember all the times I've been punished for not giving them what they want.
In the end I decided not to respond at all this time. I also resolved to have no more contact with this person under any circumstances in the future. My well-being is more important to me; whatever they do or think or say is their problem. To wrap up the situation I wrote up how I felt and put that in my daily journal. It does feel finished now. I'm done with being the victim of people who are only happy when they're hurting someone else.
Why it took 50+ years to find a permanent solution to this problem doesn't seem quite fair, but I'm feeling a lot better about myself. That's what counts.
3 comments:
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I too was bullied as a child but was an only child and by the time I was a teenager, quit giving them what they wanted and struck back. It was the only way I survived. I think it's much harder to do that when it's under the same roof however. You have nowhere to hide and your response becomes so much harder to change. But I'm so glad you have! I think you're doing exactly the right thing. *hug*
That picture you used here? I'll be looking at something very similar starting tomorrow for five whole days! I can't wait!
It hurts me to know you're still being bullied.
I get bullied a lot--or at least people try. I'm small, quiet, and perhaps because of my demeanor people assume I'm a pushover. I give people enough leeway to straighten up and if they don't, I make it clear I'm not the person they want to mess with.
Looking back at all the times I've been bullied I think it boils down to one common denominator. My bullies tend to be jealous of what I have, what I can do, or who I'm with.
Much as I'd like to teach them a lesson, it seems to aggravate them more if I ignore them.
You're on the right track.
PS. Shame on your sister. I am the oldest of six. I took it as my personal responsibility to protect my siblings no matter what the cost.
It takes great strength to act as you did. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
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