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Revisiting Death

Yesterday we went to my brother-in-law's funeral, which I hadn't planned on writing about here, but after an entire day of devoting myself to being polite, supportive and keeping my opinions to myself I need to express a few thoughts on the experience.

1. People really need to learn what is appropriate attire for a funeral, especially much older ladies who think dressing like a teenager fools everyone into thinking they're younger.

2. Gentlemen, please wear clothing that fits. I do not need to know what color underwear you have on every time you get up.

3. Food and drinks served at a funeral with the deceased in an open casket in the next room is apparently a new thing. I was a bit speechless over this (and no, I didn't eat anything. I had a small cup of coffee toward the end because my blood sugar was tanking.)

4. If you have a toddler who likes to scream -- a lot -- get a babysitter instead of bringing them along to a funeral.

5. Showing off your tattoos is also now a thing for young people wherever they go, including funerals. For my generation, tattoos were a very negative thing, especially on girls, and I guess I can't overcome my aversion to them.

6. I probably shouldn't have told my forties-something nephew whom I haven't seen since he was a kid that he looks like an IRS auditor, but really, he does. Sorry, Scott.

6a. Generally speaking, I came away with the sense that I am really, really old now.

7. Keeping everyone at the funeral for an extra hour so everyone can socialize is extending the torture for those of us who do not like funerals. Just saying.

I said goodbye to my brother-in-law when he was in hospice, and had no desire to go near the body. I used to pack cadavers for funeral homes, and I also assisted a few morticians when they were short handed, so I know exactly what they do to them to make them presentable for the open casket service. It's not something pleasant I like to remember.

My guy was upset and emotional -- he was very close to our brother-in-law when they were younger -- and didn't want to see the body. I told him it was okay, and that just remembering him the way he was when he was alive is better. That calmed him down and made the experience a little less awful for him, I believe.

I did okay. Mostly I'm just sad that it takes a death for people to reconnect, and a bit aghast at the new things they do at funerals. Anyway, my parting thought is to spend time with those you love when they're alive, my friends.

Comments

Maria Zannini said…
I haven't experienced any bad mannered or badly dressed people at a funeral. And except for my brother-in-law's funeral (he died very young) his children were the only ones ever at a funeral I attended. They were very subdued, which I totally understand.

When my father died, I felt relief because he wasn't in pain anymore. The mortician did a remarkable job making him look natural. He looked better dead than he did while he was in hospice.

I have a strange detachment to corpses. To me, the person I knew is gone. The body is just a shell that some people choose to exhibit.

I won't be doing that.
February 3, 2025 at 12:59 PM
the author said…
I share your sentiments about corpses. That's why I spoke to my brother-in-law while he was still alive in hospice, and told him I'd never forget him. Because he was still there.
February 5, 2025 at 6:08 AM
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