Mom

My mother died last night. She was 84, and suffered from dementia, diabetes and heart problems. I don't know all the details, but we were told that she passed away peacefully. My brother called with the news, but I can't hear anyone on the phone, so he relayed it through my guy.

She had a difficult life from almost the beginning, being born a few years after the Great Depression and living in poverty in the country. An only child, she often took care of her father while her mother worked. She was very close to her dad, a police constable who became an invalid during her childhood. I remember my grandfather, who was always bed-ridden, being funny and kind even when he was in pain. Mom was the same way.

Mom was devoted to her faith. She didn't just go to church; she did a lot of good work through it, including feeding the homeless, teaching Bible school, and looking in on the elderly and ill. She worked as a secretary for three ministers, too. She joined the Civil Air Patrol and rose to the rank of Major, and got me involved in it, too, which later influenced my decision to join the Air Force. She loved cameos, dogs and my dad.

My mother liked to read historical romance, and Jude Deveraux was her favorite author. Instead she told everyone she was my #1 fan. She actually did read every single book I published under my own byline, and I'm pretty sure she's the only person in my family who did that.

Mom believed in heaven, and I think she earned a place there. My one hope is that wherever she is, she's with my dad. Be at peace, Mom.

I'll be taking another break from blogging so I can deal with this. Take care, everyone.

Scary Good

Bring It On, Ghost is a romantic supernatural mystery k-drama about a haunted college student (Ok Taec-yeon) who can see ghosts and fight evil spirits, an amnesiac high school girl ghost (Kim So-hyun) who becomes his partner, a monk exorcist whose career is going downhill, and two idiotic sidekicks intent on profiting off the exorcisms. This series is a melting pot of everything from slapstick comedy to intense drama, and includes a moderate amount of violence and horror.

I liked the romance best, as it developed slowly and had an interesting arc. Kim So-hyun is very talented, and while this was the first time I've seen Ok Taec-yeon in a series I thought he did a great job with his character. The monk and the greedy sidekicks all came off as intensely annoying with their exaggerated antics, but in the end the three grew on me.

Kwon Yul's portrayal of the antagonist is impressive and seriously scary, and he doesn't use any special effects or gory makeup to convince you he's a monster. He's definitely an actor to watch no matter what role he plays.

Available on Netflix in the US.

Crazy Tote

My latest quilting project is another crazy tote. I'm making this one out of silks and velvets in shades of violet and gold.

I've already basted down the fabrics, and I've started adding the trims. Stay tuned to see how it goes. :)

Story Time

Valen is one of the stories I wrote while I was on hiatus. To read it, click here.

While We've Been Quarantined

We finally got the two overly-huge camphor trees in our front yard removed; they had been planted too close to the house back when it was built. Over the past 24 years they grew to be over fifty feet tall, and their root systems became a threat to the foundation of our house. Their leaves and berries have been killing our grass, and I've always been worried they would fall over during a hurricane and destroy our roof. I hate cutting down trees but it's a relief that they're gone.

Since then Kat and her dad have been working on adding new plants and some landscaping to the front of the house. My kid has a real talent for creating little gardens, and she made this one for us:

Recently my kid applied for a temporary job working in the northwest part of the country to do field and lab work for the federal government. She'd be testing the streams and rivers up there for different problems they're having with their water sources; the job would last anywhere from six months to two years. Her biology professor recommended her for the job to the guy who is hiring, and it's what Kat wants to do as a scientist, so we're hoping she gets it. If she does she'll start in June.

Some Garden Pics

The garden is still going strong. Over the last couple of weeks we've been enjoying the radishes Kat grew from seed.

Some have been a bit wonky.

But most look like this one. We've been sharing the surplus with our neighbors.

My guy built a second raised bed for the radishes and cucumbers. The latter are flowering now and we expect a lot in a few weeks, just in time for the warmer weather.

The strawberries are still going strong, and I've been drying the herbs to use for cooking. :)

As for the local critters, catepillar season has started, and we're all trying not to get stung by the buck moth variety. I stepped on one, though, when without thinking I walked barefoot across the front lawn. Not fun. We found a friendly corn snake in the garage that Kat completely charmed; we relocated him to a safer spot on our property.

An Explanation

Writing this post has taken more than a week. It's very difficult for me to talk about my problems. My mother raised me to work my ass off, keep my mouth shut and just take it. That's my default mode. Also, my kid reads this blog. If you knew how many times I've edited this post you would understand.

For various reasons I've been very depressed over the last year, and more so than I've let on. I know I'm not the only one who has struggled with fear and despair since the pandemic began. I've tried to keep a good attitude and do what I can for my friends and family. Depression grinds you down, though; too often I've had to drag myself out of bed and function on auto-pilot.

I'm having a lot of health issues now. I expect I'll soon be completely deaf. My hands are a mess; my fingers are twisting and I'm developing more bone spurs on the joints that are very painful. The arthritis in my neck has been spreading down my back. Last month I had to go on steroids to reduce the inflammation in my lumbar spine, but I can't take them for long. Steroids elevate my blood sugar and threaten to bring back my diabetes.

Pain from the arthritis is making it hard to sleep. I refuse to take prescription painkillers -- I don't need to develop an addiction on top of everything else -- and the OTC options will either aggravate my ulcer or cause me to have a stroke, thanks to my clogged arteries. In a couple of weeks I'm having another carotid doppler and I'm not expecting good news. The back problem is also causing some periodic numbness and instability in my legs.

I've been to the doctor, and I'm doing what I can with diet, exercise and heat/cold therapy. I still feel like I'm falling apart.

I've been in a personal situation where someone I love has been increasingly abusive toward me for the last ten years. I finally realized there is nothing I can do that will ever resolve the situation amicably; I know because I have tried everything I can think of to do so. Since continuing to tolerate the situation is pointless, and very harmful to me, I decided to cut off all contact with the person responsible. That's all I want to say about that, but it's been extremely upsetting.

Shortly after that we lost both of our dogs, and I had to hold them as they died. Christmas, which I've never liked, was too much on top of everything else. Politics, the endless spewing of hatred online, and seeing the horrible way people talk to and treat each other have made me heart sick. There have been other situations that I can't talk about that added more to my depression. With all of the above on me, it went from very bad to overwhelming.

I always say in the worst of times to be valiant, and I do try to practice that. Yet the cost of being valiant is much higher in old age. Last year I felt I was being slowly buried alive by all of my challenges and health issues and the ugliness of the world. Most days I still do. I'm so tired.

The only thing that truly helps me hold it together is being alone and writing. Solitude takes the pressure of dealing with others off me. My work is the one thing no one has ever been able to take from me or ruin. So when I got to the point of not wanting to go on, I just unplugged and shut everyone out and wrote the worlds I wanted to live in, with characters I wanted to be with and problems I could solve. Over the last six weeks that gradually brought me to a better mental state.

No matter how tough it gets I still want to live. Life will always be precious to me. Living is the only way to show respect for everyone who couldn't, including my dad. Maybe I feel that way because I was raised as a Catholic, or I saw too many people die when I was working in the medical field. Maybe it's my way of spitting in Fate's eye.

While I've been gone I've thought a lot about what I should do with the rest of my time on the planet. I've spent most of my life taking care of others, so I believe it's my turn. The person I most need to love and care for now is me. I've never done that, really, so I'm working on it.

I will keep trying to be valiant, choose light over darkness, and when it gets too tough, escape into my writing. I have this blog, and the friends who care about me. I can still quilt and dream and read and write. I believe that's enough to get me through this. I'm sorry I've made you worry about me.

Let me share some happier updates:

I finished the purple quilt this month. It came out pretty.

My guy, Kat and I have all had our first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. Our arms were sore, and we all felt a little tired for two days after, and but otherwise we had no bad reactions to it.

The garden is still producing two pints of strawberries every week. I've been freezing them so I can make homemade strawberry ice cream this summer.

Thank you all for caring about me. Please keep that up if you can.