I actually spent an entire day last month writing up a very long post to explain why I've been (virtually/emotionally) hiding under the bed for most of the summer. It started out with detailing some unkindness I had to deal with that upset me, the pressure on me in several areas with my job and the family, my latest bouts of insomnia, plus a lot of wingeing over my new hand issues and my old neck problem, both of which are quickly getting worse. Watching my country being torn apart by a pandemic and the most hateful politics I've ever observed doesn't help.
Writing about all that then blew up into this diatribe on basically everything that has been weighing on me, not just this summer but for years. Imagine a mushroom cloud of emotion, all negatively-charged, and that was the original post.
After proofing it and realizing just how upset and depressed I've been, I automatically began editing the piece to tone down the emotion. There's always a filter between me and the rest of the world, but it's never seemed more important now with all we're dealing with. I couldn't tame the post to something light or flippant, so I ended up removing it from the blog (I didn't delete it entirely, however; I think I'll revisit it when I'm in a better place.) I changed my focus to detoxing myself by letting all that go, being kind and helpful when I can, and finding happiness again through creativity and things that inspire me.
Still working on my mental state, but I feel as if I'm moving forward toward a better place now.
I put two of my word stones on my desk (which I realize needs dusting from the photo I took, lol.) They remind me of daily what's important: beauty and courage. I want to create beauty with whatever I do, whether it's writing or quilting or blogging or being a friend. For me having courage isn't so much about being brave as it is about the circumstances we find ourselves in, and how we deal with them. Nudging myself daily about these two priorities keeps me from forgetting what's important to me when I get caught up in other people's crap.
None of us are perfect. Being paralyzed or hiding from our problems is natural for everyone. Desks get dusty. E-mails pile up. Age brings with it discomfort, disability and all sorts of challenges. Facing all that takes some spine, especially when we know we can't resolve them, and/or we know they're only going to get worse -- like the pandemic, for example, or politics, or our health. I think those three things are weighing on all of us like a dozen mill stones. It's exhausting.
We need to be kind to ourselves. I am my own worst critic, and I've been very hard on myself these last couple weeks. I think I was trying to bully myself out of the pits. Sometimes that actually works, but not this time. You can't make a wound go away by kicking it. So now I'll try the gentleness and nurturing I show others on myself.
I found a music video on YouTube that resonated with me on the worst part of the sadness (involving more of the removed diatribe post than I want to revisit, so please just take my word for it.) It's also a beautiful song, and for that reason I thought I'd share it. It is sung mostly in Korean, so turn on the CC if you want to understand the lyrics:
Now I'm off to work a bit before we get Oliver. You all have a good day. :)
2 comments:
I've written long, scathing, horrible posts at times because I just can't seem to stop myself. In the end though, I always end up deleting them before I hit the submit button. It may sound silly, but it makes me feel better and I'm the only one who sees it.
Love you, my friend. I owe you a letter. Soon *hug*
I'm sorry you've been feeling so overwhelmed. It's hard to get from under that pile of rubble when life keeps dumping more crap on you.
It's okay to shut off the world. You won't miss anything, believe me. Just keep up with the hurricane tracking. That one's important. :o)
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